What's like a day with depression

 It is 5am and I can't sleep.I just can't stop thinking about what's going on in my life,my problems,my fears.It's difficult for me to sleep.I feel so exausted but I can't sleep.I feel so empty inside of me.I can't stop crying.At the same time I keep myself busy from the terrible thoughts.I open my phone and try to forget everything.I type like I'm the most happy person in the world but in reality I'm dying.That's the good thing about chatting.The other person never knows what are you really doing that moment.I decide to put my phone down and try hard to sleep.I wake up after nearly 1 hour and 48 minutes.I can't sleep longer.

 Most of the girls would stand in front of the mirror and put their makeup on or try hard to choose what to wear.I just brush my hair and put whatever I have.I don't care how I look.I don't care about anything.I go in the kitchen and take a banana.Nothing for school lunch.I'm not really hungry.I go out,take the tram and walk about 5 min more to school.As soon as I arrive in the front door It's like I put a mask on my face and pretending to be happy.I don't want others to know what I'm going through.Not because they'll get bored hearing about my problems (that too) but I don't want to answer any questions.I'm that tired I can't take anything. I take a seat in class and by my side is my bestie.She is cool and funny.The only thing I really admire and hate at the same time is that she tells her problems to others.I couldn't ever.Even though we have basically the same problem.OUR DADS. The class has begun.I try to stay focused but I can't.It's something distracting me.The teacher asks me.Don't panic,don't panic.God I can't remember.I tend to forget a lot this period of my life.A LOT.I remain silent.I hear the teacher screaming at me.This reminds me all the times people have screamed at me and critisized me.I know I make a lot of mistakes.In the next lesson I see I have a test.God no,Anxiety attacks again,I can't breathe.I black out.I ask if I can go to the bathroom.I don't really go there.I need fresh air.I haven't studied the previous day.I am so tired I can't remember anything of the previous lessons.What do I do? I go back and give my leaflet empty.It's okay I'll pass next time.I talk to people smile at them ,laugh really hard.But I am a mean person.I don't mean any of these.The school is over.Finally??

 No,I have to go home.I tend to walk fast.I go home and just go to bedroom and do nothing.I don't eat like I used to.I don't go out like I used to.I wish I could go out.I open my phone and see some messages.My e-pals are waiting  for me.Time again to put the mask.I hate that mask.I'm tired of that mask.But I don't have any other choice. I remain in my bedroom all day.My mum comes in and fights with me cause I don't stay with her and my sisters.I Can't.I need to be alone.ME IS EVERYTHING I HAVE.I don't want other screams please.No more screaming.My head hurts 24/7.My bones hurt as well.My eyes tend to be half opened half closed.My hands are cold.I am sweating.I want to scream.I want to punch.I want to go.

I am tired.I wish there was someone to help me.I don't need a doctor I need a person to give me all the love I'm missing.All the courage,all the strength.I admit I tried suicide.I was ready to give my life an end.But I couldn't.Maybe I'm afraid,maybe I'm a cower.It's 12 past ten.I can't sleep.Again the thoughts.This condition is killing me little by little.I'm crying again.I am pulling out all the feelings.It's a circle.My life is a circle routine.It goes on and on and on and on.I just wish one day I wake up and stop breathing.

I know what you'll think about this post.Why am I saying these things and why do I let out my feelings...

Well I have a purpose for this.What you read is some of the feelings that a person with depression has and some of the things he goes through.I thought it would be way more time consuming If I cut it a bit.

What you should not say is "So you are depressed?Yeah I have been depressed too you know." Just the way you'll say it will make them think that it's not the same thing at all.Your sadness or feeling blue doesn't compare to their suicidal thoughts...you know.

What I always hated is when people would come up to me and  say "There are people living worse than you,stop complaining"...Uhhm excuse me? I am dying.I am aware of others situation too thank you.Why not come up and say "Hey,I am here for you".

Instead of saying "No one said that life is fair" use the phrase "You are important to me".It will make them like someone cares about them.

Don't say "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" and say "Do you want a hug?" 

Stop making them feel worse and just say kind words.Share love and make them feel better by taking them out or making them laugh.

Sharing my condition with you guys was not easy,believe me.It will not be for anyone.Don't expect someone to come and say "I have depression".You have to figure it out by yourself even though it's obvious.Just LOVE them you can't save them in other way.

Goodnight from here,

xoxo